Recently, God has been showing me the cost of holding onto hurts.  What I feel is a justified hurt, really is an open wound that I won't allow to heal.  Carrying around our hurts and rehearsing the matter in my mind over and over creates a seed of resentment.

It burrows down and plants itself deep in my heart.  Left unchecked, it can spread and cause bitterness, anger, and worse yet, even hate.

I am a classic over analyzer.  I process things thoroughly over and over in my mind.  I wrestle through things and rehearse situations, relationships and issues that may or may not come to pass.  This has cost me greatly.  Overprocessing reveals my lack of trust in God.  I want to figure it all out.  I want to control the outcome.  Not knowing what could happen or what others are thinking or may do causes fear.  The result is a lack of sleep for me.

Nowhere in my life is this worse than when I have been deeply hurt by someone.  People carlessly wound each other and I am sure I have hurt others as I have been hurt myself.  Sometimes attacks are deliberate.  Every time a hurt occurs, whether intentional or not, it is my opportunity to take a stand for Christ.

My sister shared with me almost a year ago "Bitterness isn't contingent on getting the issue resolved your way.  In the root meaning of the word, bitterness means to hold on to, press down, compress, squeeze tightly.  That is what we do with an offense.  We turn it over and over in our minds.  We hold on to is, squeeze it and eventually it consumes us."

Hebrews 12:15 says  "Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled."

Bitterness not only hurts us, it hurts those around us.  What is in the heart, comes out in the life.  You cant' hide it or conceal it.  What was once a harbored hurt and a hidden seed buried deep, springs out and grows into something that cannot be hidden.  It is seen in the face expression and the body language of someone who is tense, jaded, stiff...  The eyes of a bitter woman are sharp and her brow is furrowed.  Not a pretty sight.  I didn't want to be that woman.

So, how can I change?  In that past conversation with my sister she shared some wise counsel;  "Attempt to gain a spirit of unoffendability.  Live in a doctrine of common grace."  Because God's beauty falls on the just and the unjust, and because His death covered us while we were yet sinners, the grace that is in you can cover all.  "In these common graces offered to everyone, you can demonstrate God's glory and grace to others."  I want to offer forgiveness to all who offend me.  I want to lavish God's grace on those who build me up as well as those who would seek to tear me down.  It isn't that I won't be offended or hurt anymore.  It's that I choose to not hold on to it, for Christ's sake.

Why can't I let certain stuff go?

I'm up tonight HOPPING mad at someone who possibly stole credit for pictures that should be my sister's.  (she's a professional photographer and this person stood off to the side and behind her on her 'location' shoot and took pictures of her poses and now has them posted as their own - as if they were the photographer!) 

I'm hurt right now at people who talk behind other's backs and are jealous, negative and whining.  They hurt so many people by this.  They need duck tape and a slap.

I'm mad at all the selfish narcissists who think they are God and want the world to stop for them. 

And then I'm mad at me for being mad about what God's Word says has been happening since the fall of man.

Why am I so worked up about sin?  "There is nothing new under the sun."  Ecc. 1

I just am so mad at people and their sin and the ugliness of the way we hurt each other.  Everyone only looking out for themselves and not caring about others.  I dont' want to let it go.  I want to stand up for what's right and shout out to the world that "It's not fair!!" 

I'm tired of discontent women.  Women who should know better.

Whining about their lives.  Instead of CHOOSING joy, they mope around because they dont' have everything they want.  GET OVER IT.

Life is hard. 

ooops.  Maybe I need to say that too myself.

I'm here 'hopping mad' as it were.  and needing to 'get over it'.

I need to stop whining about them and choose joy in SPITE of sin. 

My God is bigger than that.

Eternitiy is bigger than all this.

'nuff said.

Change My Heart O God...

I have been watching video tapes in a series entitled "Changing Hearts, Changing Lives" and I am learning so much!  I love the resources God has given over the years that have enhanced my spiritual journey and inspired me as I continue to strive to  be more like Christ.

Some thoughts from this series (taught by David Powlson and Paul Tripp) -

"Whatever rules the heart, determines your response to what happens in your life."

This is a simple but true statement.  I had to look back at the 'bumps' that have come into my life and what my initial reaction was to those circumstances.  Did I trust God?  Did I respond in love?  Was I patient and calm?  What did my reaction or response reveal about my heart?

Living in the culture we do today, it is easy to buy into the lie that "all men are good" and to give excuses for our sin.  When someone who lives in this country and doesn't know Jesus hurts someone else, so often we hear them blame their past, their circumstances or their family etc.  They don't take responsibility.  Another example that hits home is mothers making excuses for their children.  The child loses his temper, hits another child and then the mother defends him saying "oh he didn't mean that.  He is just overtired today.  He really is a good boy."  no.  he isn't.  He is a sinner like we all are, and he has the sin of anger in his heart.  We make excuses like this for ourselves.  When we respond in anger or rudeness, when we sin - we often blame the circumstance, we blame each other, or mumble 'sorry' under our breath and carry on as if it of no consequence.  But the truth is - its WHO WE ARE.  Hard to admit, but according to God's Word, it is true.  What is in your heart comes out.  It is revealed when you are alone, it is revealed when unexpected or stressful circumstances arise.  I may think that I am a loving person.  But the Word of God says "What good is it if you love those who love you back?  I say unto you, Love your enemies."  If you are a loving person, then when you are faced with rudeness, hate, jealousy and hurt you will respond with love.

The answer to changing our hearts and the flesh that vies for control of our hearts is in God.  As His child, I am humbled by the fact that He chose my filthy heart to die for.  His blood covers each sin, the ones so glaringly obvious and even the hidden sins of my heart that no one else will ever see.  He doesn't just want part of me, He wants all of me.  All of the time.  I cannot claim to be a Christ follower if I do not follow him.

"God wants your heart.  Because if He does not have your heart, He does not have you."  - Paul Tripp

There is no gray area when it comes to the heart.  The heart is active and always desiring and always purposing.  In every situation there is a motive and a desire.  No matter how little or simple the situation is.  The truth about who I am is revealed in the heart.  We can try to hide behind our exteriors and fool those around us, but the condition of our hearts always manages to reveal itself.  And of course, God always sees and knows everything.

How can I change who I am?  How can I change my heart to be more like His? The answer is simple.  Spend more time with Him.  Spend more time in His Word.  I heard a quote once "Show me your friends and I will tell you what manner of man you are."  That is true in many ways.  Is God my dearest friend?  Who or what we spend time with shapes us. God's Word is able to change hearts and lives.  It is hard to swallow as we reveal what needs to be cut out.  The Bible can cut through my thoughts and reveal my heart's desires.  It is then that I can see my desires, ideas and purposes exposed and begin to change. 

"The Bible is a wonderful mirror.  It will show you your inside and not your outside.  The Bible reveals who you really are."  - Paul Tripp

I believe that many people today avoid time in God's Word because of the way that it makes them feel.

We want to be comfortable.  We don't' want to change.  So we settle for complacent, lukewarm christianity.  How sad that we rob ourselves of the greatest relationship and deepest joy we could know as human beings.  The most beautiful women I know are women who are passionately in love with Jesus Christ.  He has their whole heart.  I know that these women, although rare, know the simple secret that a daily relationship with their Lord and time invested in His Word are of utmost importance. I am so convicted about the need to stay in God's Word.  Sometimes in the summer I struggle to maintain or deepen that time with Him.  It is hard to be consistent.  But I know the difference when I miss days with my Savior.  I can see it in my reactions to my circumstances.

My heart tells on me.

I want my heart to tell a different tale.  I want my heart to reveal a woman who is God's and reflects His character because she is wholly His.